Free to Be Who I am Today!


In my last article I wrote about the movie Eat, Pray, Love and how that movie helped me understand the roots of my fears. I had gained a new and deeper perspective on my behavior by understanding this fear. The period that followed after that was filled with change, love, joy, gratefulness, peace and harmony combined with a deeper understanding and connection with myself. Our outer world is always a mirror of inner world and with my inner change, my outer world changed with me.In this time, I was able to build a total new relationship with my dad and we found a mutual ground where we could discover each other on a whole new level. I started going on long distance walks with him. For me it started out as practice for the 4daagse in Nijmegen but I did not make it through the draw.  Even though my initial goal has disappeared, my dad and I are still walking together. During this period, most often while walking, I could feel so overwhelmed by Love that it gave me a lump in my throat and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I felt so connected to all. Not only had my relationship with my dad improved, but the relationship with my son did also. There was more understanding, peace and love towards each other and this resulted in almost angelic behavior from his side. Friends, work, connection with strangers, all followed in this new energetic vibration of love and harmony.  Being aware of our universal laws, I know change is inevitable and this made it very easy to stay in the present moment and just be thankful for all that it was bringing me. For the first time since I could remember I felt at ease with myself and could totally be myself.  I finally felt free to be me.

About two weeks ago, I sensed that change was coming. It started on the day that I received the results for the entry of the 4daagse. There was only a brief moment of disappointment when I received the news of not being able to participate. But in a split second I over saw the bigger picture of what the drive to enter this event had brought me and with that, peace and happiness were restored for the moment.  When I got home that evening and I finally had some time for myself, I started feeling a bit confused. I had focused all my attention on this event and now the focus point was gone. While thinking about this, I suddenly felt the urge to look on my twinflame’s twitter profile. I really don’t know where that came from because I normally don’t have that need.  It felt like an external energy pulling at me, like I had to see what was there. So I gave in and when I arrived on his profile, I could feel my stomach literally tying itself into a knot. His twitter profile felt like a direct attack on me. The tweets were not loading properly, so I could not see them and I knew that there was a reason for that. There was something else I needed to see. I was drawn to the pictures and after browsing through a few, I probably found what I was unconsciously searching for. It was a picture of him with a lady and a few other people. From the picture you could clearly see that he and the woman were in some kind of a relationship. When I saw this picture, I was feeling many things at once. Total chaos. I looked at the picture a little while longer and it felt like I was as small as a pea, sitting on this big chair and my twinflame, looking directly at the camera, was sitting on a throne looking down on me. The rest of people in the picture, even the lady, kind of disappeared.  This all happened within seconds and I quickly clicked it away. In this moment of confusion, my ego found an opening and kicked in. My mind started filling in the whole story behind the picture.  I had suddenly had the urge to call him because I wanted to know if what I was seeing was true, so that I could drop this whole twinflame path. My mind was screaming. I told you so… you made this whole thing all up. But while my ego was crying for acknowledgement and so wanting me to listen it, I could feel my whole body resist against this. Going along with my ego even a little way, felt like I was abandoning myself and my truth. So I quieted the mind a little by going outside and I realized dealing with this was necessary because everything happens for a reason. In my head I went back to the picture and started feeling again how my body was reacting to this. By doing this I was able to feel that his gaze, him looking at me, was actually hurting me. That was a strange realization. Twinflames are actual mirrors of each other and that led me to the conclusion that it was hurting me to look at myself. That was puzzling me a bit because here we had the issue of not feeling good enough again. How could that be? I had uncovered and dealt with that just a while back and I was not at all feeling unworthy or not good enough. Something was not making sense and then it dawned on me.  My body was still reacting in the old way. It had been triggered by this picture, by seeing my twinflame and it automatically called up the negative feelings that came with the relationship at that time. Now I could also see that he never saw me that way. My mind was quickly recalling all the things he said to me and there has not been one single word or imply that he saw me as not good enough. It was actually the other way around. It was all me, experiencing my inner world and I projected that on him and our relationship. What an eye opener was that! So I had changed my perspective on how I saw myself by changing my thoughts and creating greater awareness but my body had not caught up yet. Fear was still programmed in my cells and that was the reason I had to see the picture. I had to rewire my body reactions and disconnect myself from all the false perceptions I had created while going along. When I figured out what the deal was with the picture of my twinflame, I tried to restore my balance but then my mind added the lady in the picture to the equation and that’s where it got foggy. Now there was the fear of my twinflame being in a relationship with this lady. I could not place this fear because it did not feel as my own, especially in the situation with my twinflame. I had never had this fear of him being with someone else or loving some else. My love for him is unconditional. This has been a truth for me since the moment we met.  This thought kept coming up and it felt like I was being tested. Like the universe wanted to see how strong my belief was on my chosen path of unconditional love. While talking on the phone with one of my dearest friends, who is also on the path of unconditional love and twinflame path, I learned that I was not the only one, dealing with these feelings of fears. She was experiencing the same thing. She also reminded me of the possibility of me picking up the fear of my twinflame and that was maybe the reason why I could not place this feeling. It was not my own energy. It was his, his fear. Looking back on our story, this was an absolute fit. When realizing this, I felt so relieved; I was so glad I did not have to deal with this one and at the same time I felt so much love for my twinflame and I noticed I started sending out comforting thoughts towards him. It also occurred to me that if I was not the only one experiencing this feeling of fear and exposure, it must be an external universal energy of a higher vibration inviting us to raise our own vibrations by shedding all our false perceptions.  That comforted me somewhat and helped me tune into this new exposing energy.

Apparently there needed a lot of reprogramming to do in my entire body because similar situations were rapidly occurring in my life with all the same intention; shining a light on false believes that still rested in me somewhere tucked far away.  My perception of safety was next on the list. Funny thing with this new energy is that it is immediate. It is not like a search light you can see coming for a while. It’s more like a totally dark space and someone just turns the light on. So out of the blue, I am scared to death about my trip to India that I am planning to take this summer. Actually the universe is planning this for me; I am just following the signs. It’s pretty amazing how this is all unfolding because it really feels like someone is making this possible for me. Everything is being taken care of without me actually having to do anything; long leave from work, my son who can stay with his dad for this whole period, money, even the destination. I had Thailand in mind but India kept popping up. So all this time it felt like I was being guided this way and there had been no trace of fear or doubt regarding this trip but then came the light and panic washed over me. When this fear started manifesting in the outer world, I could clearly see what was happening. My own fears were being projected on me by people in my near surroundings. There were my parents questioning my destination, my ex who was afraid of me getting mugged and killed there, colleagues that were afraid of me going by myself. While facing this fear, I also attracted a possible travelling companion. I had placed a message on a couple of travelling websites and with one person I seemed to be sharing a lot of similarities. When I first received his message, I had this feeling of déjà vu. I could not quite place it and our contact continued with emails going back and forth and we became friends on facebook. There was a little a bit of an age difference between us but I did not see that as a problem, after all I was looking for a nice travelling companion and not a romantic relationship. I did have the need to be very clear in that with him and that when I said that to him, I knew where the feeling of déjà vu was coming from. About two years ago, when I was just waking up, I met a man who was also somewhat older than me. He seemed to have a lot of knowledge about this new world, I was waking up to. I was like a sponge at that time and eagerly took in all the information that he was so eager to share. For me this relationship was pure friendly because I had also just met my twinflame at the time.  Quickly it became clear that this man’s feelings for me were more than friendly. I got scared because I did not understand and I kind of escaped out of the situation. Because of the feeling being so similar, I thought that my body was making false connections again. Being on the path of unconditional love also means having no attachment towards your past and that every situation, every person is different, so I kept an open vision towards this possible travelling companion. Within days this situation manifested itself further and it turned out to be the exact same situation as two years ago. My possible travelling mate wrote that he had romantic feelings for me. After this particular email, more emails followed and it was obvious ego had taken over on his side. I stopped reading the emails after the third one. When I received the love declaring email, I instantly knew the universe was presenting me a situation where I had some past karma to work out. I now had to prove that I could act from a state of unconditional love towards myself and towards others and not with fear as I had always done.  The other reason why this man crossed my path was to show me that my perception of safety was all wrong.  A feeling of security and safety can’t be found in the outside world. It is within me. I already have the best and most reliable travelling companions I need and those are my soul, my intuition and the indestructible faith in myself and the universe. With this being clear, I thanked this man for his honesty, told him how I felt that our focus points did not resonate with each other any longer and I wished him much luck on his further life path.  When this was done, it felt like I had a passed a final exam. It also felt like I literally landed in my body and with that, new wiring had been done. My fears regarding my trip to India have vanished and I am now really excited by the thought of travelling alone. More than ever do I feel guided and I have faith in myself that I will know what to do in any situation I may come across.

A couple more fear based situations happened but now I was fully aware of this energy and its intention. Every time I felt my mind wanting to take control, I stopped it by visualizing that I was letting myself fall backwards and that I was being caught by the universe. This visualization really helped me to stay centered in the moment and instead of fighting this exposing energy, I let it flow through me so that all the layers and false perceptions that were still there could be dealt with and changed. This energy that is coming to our planet at this time is really helping us break free from our old perceptions that are still programmed in the cells of our body and to help us manifest the selves that we truly are. It kind of feels like becoming a butterfly and you are struggling to come out of the cocoon. Old and new exist together in the same world before the new is totally manifested and that always goes combined with a bit of chaos. Even though this energy is bringing fear to the surface and it felt scary and uncomfortable at first, it has brought me so many new insights and it has given me exactly what I needed.  Because of these false perceptions disappearing, space has been created so that my true self can break free and take over.  With these new programmed inner perceptions based on unconditional love, trust and harmony, I can now manifest a total new outer world.

Thank you fears and exposing light, for now I am and feel truly free to be who I am today!



ps. Listen to Jason, he knows exactly what I am talking about.. :D



~ Spread the Love ~


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