While I was writing my last blog entry, I was reading the sequence of Conversations with God from Neale Donald Walsch. This was a total new experience for me because I had never really felt comfortable with the word God and avoided most information which was related to this word or any other kind of organized religion. I did not vibrate with this at all. I always felt more comfortable with the words Source, Creator, Divine Essence or Universe. And even though I used these words, I realized at some point that I was not even sure myself what those words really meant to me. I have been on this path of spiritual awakening for almost two years now and during this time I have come across lots of different information. With this available knowledge and by relating it back to my own life and experiences, I have been able to establish my own truth a lot better but it still felt like I was in the dark most of the time. When I started reading these books, the darkness disappeared with the speed of light and now my truth is so clear that is shines like the light that I am. Let me share with you what I experienced.
When I started off in the first book, I was still a little bit skeptical towards it because of the content. In these books, the author has a personal dialogue with God. After I had read a few pages, I was astonished. This God was talking about energy, frequencies, consciousness and unconditional love and all was vibrating with my own established truth. This excited me so much that I could not stop reading. When I finished the book, something special happened. The voice of God that I had developed in my head while reading this unique dialog went on. God was now talking directly to me! God said: So, now we that we have established a direct communication line, I will not be needing to send you all those books any more. A little bit startled by this, I asked: That was you? And the immediate response to that was: Of course it was me, where else would they come from? At first I thought it was just my own imagination but every question I asked was answered with words and explanations I was not familiar with. The rest of the weekend I spent my time talking to God and I was seeing God everywhere. One of the things that kept coming back up was Gods reassurance to me, I could have all that I desired and that Heaven on Earth was soon to be here. After the weekend was over, daily routine started again and the voice in my head had disappeared. Because the voice was nowhere to be heard, I started thinking that it all sounded a little too good to be true anyway. This thought kept bothering me all day during work. When I got home, I decided to get started with diner and I turned on the radio before making my way into the kitchen. While I was cutting the vegetables, this thought was there again. All of sudden the voice of God was back in my head. Are you doubting me?, God asked. Remember what I said: Heaven on Earth! And while I hear those words of Heaven on Earth in my head, the radio starts playing the song of Belinda Carlisle, Heaven is a Place on Earth. As I become aware of this synchronicity God says to me: Now you see what I am capable of? No more doubting! And with that said, the voice disappeared and left me still standing in my kitchen with my body covered in goose bumps. This was for me the ultimate confirmation that God did indeed exist. I just could not talk and think my way around this happening.
The weeks that followed after that were a little bit confusing. I was trying to fit this new consciousness into my life and really feeling what this all meant for my own truth. One thing I had already noticed while I reading the first book, was that God said some things in the dialog with Neale that reminded me of expressions and things that my twinflame had said to me while we were still in physical contact. How could that be? Was he God? And also my own non physical dialogs I had with my twinflame reminded me of my conversations with God. At some point, I even had a dialog with both of them. Here were three separate identities having a conversation in my head. Was I just talking to myself? Was I losing it? I kind of felt like a schizophrenic. The only difference seemed to be was that I was fully aware of these different characters in my head. A little panic started to arise when I realized this, so I decided to let it rest for a while. And as with all in this universe, when you let go, what ever you need comes to you naturally. I received my answer through a movie called Identity. I had downloaded it a while ago and I had also seen it before. Two weeks before I actually watched it again, I had started this movie and then came to the realization that I had already watched it, so I turned it off and watched something else. I did the exact same thing shortly after that with again the same outcome. A few days later, I was talking to my friend and I mentioned this to her. All of sudden it dawned on me, it was so obvious. I needed to watch that movie again. Guess what the movie was about? A person with multiple personality disorder on trial for multiple homicides. Coincidence doesn’t exist and everything happens for a reason. So I turned it on and watched but this time with a whole new perspective because of the synchronicities involved and my identification with the patient. In the movie there is a doctor who is specialized in treating patients with multiple personality disorder. The doctor explains that when a child is faced with severe trauma its mind may fracture creating disassociated identities. The patient in this story is in the midst of a medical treatment where all the identities are forced to confront each other for the first time. This way the number of personalities should be reduced and eventually come back down to the one true personality. Throughout the movie my whole system was triggered but I couldn’t quite fit it all together just yet. Later in bed all the happenings of the past weeks sped through my mind; the books, the movie, my own conversation with God. It felt like light someone was turning the light on and off very quickly and in this state of confusion I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up with a clear mind and the first thought that came to me was: God is a schizophrenic and I am one of its identities! When I sat down to have a cup of coffee, my own truth started revealing itself to me.
The reason I had not been able to grasp the full truth was because of my belief system I had attached to this three letter word, God. This belief system I had about God was some what outdated because it had come to life when I was a little girl. We didn’t practice any particular religion at home and it was through school that I came in contact with the Christian religion. The ways of this religion and the stories in the bible sounded so strange to me. This had left me with an image of God being an old man with a beard and the idea that I would have live and behave according to the teachings in the bible to even come in contact with God. The whole story didn’t make sense to me so I decided then that it was all a myth made up by our ancestors because they could not explain their surroundings and the voices in their heads. A little bit similar to “the world is flat theory” which stuck for a while. For me these both fell in the same category and from that moment on I decided that God did not exist. I shut God out of my life. But now God had made an impressive come back into my life. Our creator was explaining itself to me through the concept of schizophrenia, something I could relate to at this moment.
Of course our Creator would not show itself to me as an old man with a beard. I would not have believed that it would be God. God has no form and yet it is every form you can possibly perceive. It is not something that is separate from me or you. God is everything and all, the seen and the unseen, the yin and the yang, the alpha and the omega. It knows no form, gender, race or religion. It has no preference and passes no judgment. God is not a ruler, God is our Creator. God is a divine all knowing essence of pure joy, bliss and unconditional love. In this state of pure being, God could only know itself as bliss, joy and unconditional love because it was all there was. Just pure consciousness. In order for God to be able to experience these feelings, there first had to be an opposite because God can’t experience itself if it doesn’t know what it is not. So to solve this, God divided itself into many different parts with all these different parts having an exact opposite to relate to. Our scientists refer to this moment as the Big Bang. It is in this moment that God became the ultimate conscious schizophrenic. When the division took place, it was pure consciousness which was divided into parts which now contained their own consciousness of being but with the consciousness of the whole imbedded within it. Every element carries the imprint. Just like someone with multiple personality disorder. They are each and every one of their created identities and their identities all have their own consciousness of being. The person is experiencing life through the consciousness of one of its created identities. The only difference is that they have unconsciously created this process so they would not have to experience their true selves, where as God fully conscious, created all the different identities so it could experience and truly know all of itself in full glory. God is experiencing itself through us.
How was this all translating itself to my own life, my own schizophrenic experience and spiritual awakening? The path of spiritual awakening is actually the process of becoming of aware of your schizophrenic nature. Two and a half years ago I was only aware of a physical me, the me that is having this physical experience. Then my twinflame entered my life and with that I became aware of my soul. After that it was God who entered my life and I became aware of the God in me, the Christ consciousness. So the exact same process of divided consciousness was happening and had always been happening but now I was becoming aware of this process. I had met my own consciousness who is always aware of its separate identities, I had met my Higher Self, or I am presence. You see, it was not my psychical consciousness that had been split up, like someone with multiple personality disorder, it was the consciousness of my higher self, my true “ I am ” presence. How else could I be aware of a me, my twinflame and God all at the same time? What this means is that I am not me, experiencing this physical life but that the true me is a being of higher consciousness which is always fully conscious of all these divided parts. Just like God, my higher self split up its consciousness so that it could experience all that it is by first getting to know and experience what it is not. God had not been consciously present in my life before so that I could first get to experience myself as separate from God. If it wasn’t for this experience of separation I would not be able to know wholeness and unity and recognize it as my truth. Now I was able to know that I am not my body, I am not my soul and I am not my mind but the sum of all three.
By now I had fully realized that I was not going crazy. Far from it. I had just reached a new level of awareness on my path of spiritual awakening. It was just like the patient in the movie, Identity. I had also been in the midst of a healing treatment but under control of my higher self. It had led me to confront the different identities which were operating within me, with each other and with this step in the process achieved, this new awareness had now anchored itself in my mind, body and soul. The time for me has come to become whole again. And now that I know what I am not, I can create myself a new, according to my new knowing of that what I am.
I Am God and God is me. We are one. And it is with this new awareness that Gods promise to me of Heaven on Earth will be manifested because I Am the bridge in between! That’s my truth!